Dear Dr. Rain:

Our 10 year old son has always had trouble with controlling himself when he is frustrated or angry. He is well behaved at school, but not at home. He also has a temper on the soccer field. Both my husband and myself do have a lot of stress and lose it at home. I admit that sometimes we are pretty loud at his soccer games too. He doesn’t have AD/HD according to his Pediatrician. Is there anything we can do to help him at home? Signed, T. L.

Dear T.L.:

Children are born with different temperaments. Some children are more passive or easy going by nature. Others experience emotions very strongly and are more likely to flare up when frustrated. It can be a challenge to help a youngster learn to deal with strong emotions, because the flare ups not only concern the parents, but also impact everyone in the home. When a parent is already feeling stressed, these temper outbursts can be overwhelming.

From your letter, I suspect that you already realize that your own behavior might play a part in your child’s explosions.

The first step in helping a child to learn self control is for the parent to model self control. A frank discussion between you and your husband can help you to identify the factors that trigger your loss of control. For example, is the family overscheduled with too many activities and commitments, resulting in a constant feeling of pressure? If so, you can start to eliminate commitments and focus more on family time at home. This can greatly reduce stress.

In our very busy society, it is common that the parents and children are not getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleep deficiency makes it very hard to exercise self control in frustrating situations. This is true for adults as well as children. Examine the sleep schedule for your family and make changes if necessary.

If you are swearing when you lose control, set up a “cuss” jar. If your child catches you, you owe the jar 25 cents. When the jar is full, the family can go out for ice cream as a treat. Each time you swear, you are teaching your child that is okay to lose control.

If these types of lifestyle changes do not see a reduction in your son’s outbursts, I would recommend you consult with a Child Psychologist. The Psychologist can teach you tools to help your son master self control.