Dear Dr. Rain:

I have a 16 year old son who is a pretty good kid. He passes his classes, has friends, and doesn’t get in trouble in school. My husband feels it’s time to teach him to drink responsibly, but I can’t see doing this. He wants to give him a beer or wine with dinner. They do it in Europe, I have heard. I can’t go along with this. My husband will reluctantly go by my wishes, but I am waffling. Your advice could help.

Signed,

Daughter of an Alcoholic

Dear Daughter of an Alcoholic:

It is so tempting to treat our 16 year olds as though they are adults. They are tall, intelligent, and will be leaving home in two short years. Furthermore, they typically are pushing hard for independence, and may act as though they no longer need us or want our company.

These traits often fool the parents into thinking that it’s time to back out of the teenager’s life and let him function like an adult. Even our schools go along with this misguided view. Nowadays, many teens spend much of their school week at the local college doing “Dual Enrollment”. They are in class with older adult college students. They often stop high school activities. The benefit is that it is an affordable college degree. The drawback is that it takes the teen away from peers and healthy high school activities, rushing him into young adulthood.

At 16, it is important that you remain involved in your teenager’s life. You need to continue to enforce basic family rules such as bedtime, meal attendance, limits on the use of electronics, getting homework done, and so forth. Setting up fun activities that are family based continues to be important throughout adolescence. Balance this with your teen’s need to be with his friends and other common pursuits such as school extracurriculars.

Introducing alcohol at 16 is ill advised for several reasons. Practically speaking, it is illegal. By serving your son alcohol, you are teaching him that it is okay to break a law if you don’t agree with it, and if there is little chance of getting caught.

Secondly, your son’s brain is still developing. Alcohol and drugs are not a good idea from a medical point of view at this age.

Thirdly, by drinking with your son, your husband risks being more of a buddy with him, rather than a father. This can undermine his authority. You and your husband can, and should, teach your son about alcohol, but not by serving him. Ongoing discussions throughout his adolescence are your best method of teaching. Limiting opportunities to drink is another strategy. Much of teen drinking occurs at private parties. Knowing that, limit your son to get togethers where you are certain that there are responsible adults supervising.

While serving alcohol may be legal in parts of Europe, there is evidence that this does not cut down on the rate of alcohol abuse in those nations.

I see that alcoholism runs in your family. Teach your son about his genetic risks so that he can keep this in mind when he becomes an adult.

I would bet that your husband can find healthier ways to share the pleasures of life with your son. We are lucky to live in an area where there is so much for guys to do together: fishing, boating, sports, movies, games, hunting, the list goes on!

Remember, stay engaged and continue to be the parents while your son makes his way through adolescence.