Riverview Psychology

Child Psychologist - Brevard Co., Florida

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Parent Unsure About Preschooler’s Food Needs

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Dear Dr. Rain:

We have a 4-year-old daughter who is perfect in every way.

She has a great appetite, is active and eats most of what we put on the table for her. I saw in the news about how obese children are eating too many snacks. Now I am confused.

We always give her the three meals plus a morning and afternoon snack, and sometimes an after dinner snack.

Are we supposed to just feed her three big meals a day?

Signed,

Doing Fine

Dear Doing Fine:

As most people in American know, we have a health crisis in our nation tied to obesity.

The research is clear that obesity can shorten lives and create health disorders such as Type 2 Diabetes, joint problems, cardiac problems, many cancers and the list goes on.

The reasons for this are complex and I will not summarize them here. Suffice it to say that our children are no longer immune to obesity. We see the rise in Type 2 Diabetes just as we have seen a rise in childhood obesity.

In an attempt to understand and prevent obesity in our nation’s children, there has been research and professional conjecture presented in our media that can confuse and mislead parents.

For example, in an attempt to reduce “fat” in their children, some parents put their children on a very low fat diet, not realizing that children need more fat in their diet than do parents. It is not the “fat” per se in food that is causing the obesity. In simplistic terms, it is the high number of calories, excess carbohydrates compared to protein, and processed foods that contains high amounts of sugars, as well as other nutritional nightmares, not to mention a sedentary lifestyle.

A good rule of thumb is to serve your child the amount of food the size of her  (not your) fist for the three basic meals. If she is still hungry, offer seconds. Be sure she is getting enough protein.

If a meal is high in carbohydrates and low in protein, your child  will be immediately hungry again, despite the high caloric value of the meal. Schedule these meals at about the same time each day. Be sure to serve these meals with milk. Serve dinner very early to increase the chance your child will eat. Preschoolers often will not eat if they are tired at the end of the day.

In addition, do indeed add snack times. I think the key is what the snack is. For example, peanut butter or cheese on crackers is a better way to satisfy your child’s hunger than a chocolate bar or bag of chips.

This does not mean you cannot serve these “fun” snacks such as cookies and ice cream  to your child. Just be sure you do not make this one of her  main food sources in snacks.

For obese preschoolers, snack time is still important. The  parents, however, need to monitor the size of the snack and the quality of the food. A nice rule of thumb is to serve food that looks like food, rather than like a toy. Serve “real” food, not food made in a laboratory.

For example, serve a cup of yogurt with fresh fruit (and a touch of honey if necessary) rather than the lab concoction of “GoGurt.” If a food has any ingredients that do not occur in nature, perhaps you can refrain from serving it. Serve food your great grandmother would have recognized as real food.

While  it’s nice to be informed, remember that sometimes the research that is picked up by the national media is not comprehensive research. Sometimes it is even based upon “junk” science. Use your intuition as a parent to make decisions unless your intuition does not seem to be producing good results. From your letter, it sounds like you are doing fine!

Talking to Children About Death

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My 85-year old-grandmother is deathly ill, and I think she will die soon.

Our 8-year-old daughter met her during the summer when we visited our family in North Carolina. She took to her and played some Go Fish cards with her. Sometimes she brings her up when we are playing cards together.

I don’t know what to say to her, what with her being so sick. And, the doctors think she will pass away in a few weeks. I don’t know how to explain that either.

I wasn’t too close to my grandmother, but still it hurts.

Signed,

Grieving

Dear Grieving:

Death is a subject that makes many of us uncomfortable.

Some people never talk about it at all, and, at the other extreme, some people are so terrified that they are unable to enjoy their life. Children have an incomplete understanding of death. At age 8, many children still might wonder if death is reversible, although most realize it is final.

Children often think they might be the first human to live forever. They are also beginning to worry about their parents’ mortality, by your daughter’s age.

In some cultures, death is an ever-present event. In America, we are often shielded from aspects of death. In America, not many children are faced with a catastrophic loss of a sibling or a parent. This leaves us unpracticed in understanding death and knowing what to teach our children.

First, try to separate out your own grief from your child’s experience of grief. While you may grieve deeply for your grandmother, your daughter might have a different emotional experience. She may not mourn deeply, depending upon the nature of her feelings for this grandmother. Be sure you do not project your own feelings upon your daughter so that you do not confuse her about how she indeed feels.

This is a good time to mention to your daughter that Grandma is very sick. Let her know that Grandma is very old. Surely she noticed this in her visit. Let her know that the doctors are working hard to keep her alive, but that she may not be able to live much longer. You might also mention that her illness is not catching, so that she does not worry that she, too (or you, too) will become deathly ill.

Your daughter may have many questions and concerns after your conversation. Some of them might be disguised. For example, she might suddenly begin to worry about the death of a bug or a pet. You can help her articulate her underlying fear about her grandmother.

After your grandmother passes away, you must tell your daughter the truth that Grandma died. If you shield her from this, she will probably over hear it or deduce it based upon what she sees and hears. By your not mentioning it, she may develop an explanation far scarier than what truly happened. Also, if you do not tell her, she will come away with the idea that death is something not to be spoken about or shared with loved ones. She may then think it is unacceptable for her to talk to you about her own fears about death.

This is a time for you to also clarify for yourself what you believe spiritually about death. If you have religious beliefs, this is a time to transmit those beliefs to your daughter. For example, if you think Grandma is in Heaven, let her know that. An 8-year-old can understand that Grandma’s spirit lives on even after her body dies.

Children often use denial as a way to protect themselves from things that are too overwhelming to face all at once. If your daughter acts unfazed, do not assume she is cold hearted. This may be her way to slowly get used to the loss of grandma, and the idea that we all will one day die.

If your daughter seems receptive, you can also look at some pictures of Grandma and tell some nice stories of good memories of Grandma.

Some children want to make a memory book about a loved one. They paste pictures of their loved one and cut out magazine pictures to depict their life, their hobbies and interests, and their importance to the family.

Why Steve Jobs Did Not Let His Kids Use iPads!

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Our oldest child is turning 9 years old and wants an iPad for a birthday present. My parents offered to buy it but we are torn. We worry that it turns kids into little zombies, but maybe we are overreacting. What kinds of guidelines are out there? Signed, Old School Parents

Dear Old School Parents:

Technology has quickly changed the landscape of many aspects of life in less than a generation. Each new gadget is exciting and provides fun and education for each member of the family. It has all happened so rapidly, that many parents are worried about the impact on their children. On the other hand, they realize their children will be competing in a wired world, and that their peers are using gadgets as a part of socializing and staying connected to friends.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended no more than two hours of screen time daily. This includes TV,  tablets, cell phones, and video games. Many professionals also recommend no screen use within an hour of bedtime. These gadgets appear to interfere with the ability to fall asleep.

There is nothing inherently evil about using a tablet of course. The major concern is that the frequent use of these gadgets replaces important activity that is necessary for physical health, mental health, learning, and creativity. Furthermore, because these gadgets go online, children can be exposed to very damaging information and visual images in the blink of an eye.

Did you know that Steve Jobs and many of his colleagues did not allow their children to use an iPad and tech gadgets?    These technology wizards observed the downside of tech gadgets first hand. These gadgets have replaced playing outside with friends, building things by hand, thinking creatively with toys, exploring the natural world, and learning from people and books. While our children may become tech wizards, other areas of development are neglected. Hundreds of hours are spent sitting still, playing mindless addictive games rather than engaging with the world.

I do not think a 9 year old needs an iPad. If you decide to allow this in your home, I encourage you to set clear rules about it’s use. Many parents allow it’s use only on the weekend, and when it is convenient to the parent (e.g. while the parent is cooking supper, or on a long car ride etc.).

Set an example for your children. Do they have to wait to interact with you while you scroll through Facebook and emails? Or do you save that for after their bedtime so you can interact with and be engaged with the world around you? When you sit in a waiting room with your child, are you both isolated from one another, checking your phones non stop, or are the phones off and you are reading together or joking about the day? Are you getting most of your exercise indoors by moving your thumbs, or do your children see you actively exploring the outdoor world, are roughhousing with them indoors? You get the idea.

These are things parents can discuss with each other. You will not harm your child by refusing to buy an iPad. They are very expensive gifts for such a young child, with not much payoff. You will not harm your child by buying an iPad. The trick is the limits you set on the use of the iPad and all of your child’s electronics.

Teenagers and Alcohol

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Dear Dr. Rain:

I have a 16 year old son who is a pretty good kid. He passes his classes, has friends, and doesn’t get in trouble in school. My husband feels it’s time to teach him to drink responsibly, but I can’t see doing this. He wants to give him a beer or wine with dinner. They do it in Europe, I have heard. I can’t go along with this. My husband will reluctantly go by my wishes, but I am waffling. Your advice could help.

Signed,

Daughter of an Alcoholic

Dear Daughter of an Alcoholic:

It is so tempting to treat our 16 year olds as though they are adults. They are tall, intelligent, and will be leaving home in two short years. Furthermore, they typically are pushing hard for independence, and may act as though they no longer need us or want our company.

These traits often fool the parents into thinking that it’s time to back out of the teenager’s life and let him function like an adult. Even our schools go along with this misguided view. Nowadays, many teens spend much of their school week at the local college doing “Dual Enrollment”. They are in class with older adult college students. They often stop high school activities. The benefit is that it is an affordable college degree. The drawback is that it takes the teen away from peers and healthy high school activities, rushing him into young adulthood.

At 16, it is important that you remain involved in your teenager’s life. You need to continue to enforce basic family rules such as bedtime, meal attendance, limits on the use of electronics, getting homework done, and so forth. Setting up fun activities that are family based continues to be important throughout adolescence. Balance this with your teen’s need to be with his friends and other common pursuits such as school extracurriculars.

Introducing alcohol at 16 is ill advised for several reasons. Practically speaking, it is illegal. By serving your son alcohol, you are teaching him that it is okay to break a law if you don’t agree with it, and if there is little chance of getting caught.

Secondly, your son’s brain is still developing. Alcohol and drugs are not a good idea from a medical point of view at this age.

Thirdly, by drinking with your son, your husband risks being more of a buddy with him, rather than a father. This can undermine his authority. You and your husband can, and should, teach your son about alcohol, but not by serving him. Ongoing discussions throughout his adolescence are your best method of teaching. Limiting opportunities to drink is another strategy. Much of teen drinking occurs at private parties. Knowing that, limit your son to get togethers where you are certain that there are responsible adults supervising.

While serving alcohol may be legal in parts of Europe, there is evidence that this does not cut down on the rate of alcohol abuse in those nations.

I see that alcoholism runs in your family. Teach your son about his genetic risks so that he can keep this in mind when he becomes an adult.

I would bet that your husband can find healthier ways to share the pleasures of life with your son. We are lucky to live in an area where there is so much for guys to do together: fishing, boating, sports, movies, games, hunting, the list goes on!

Remember, stay engaged and continue to be the parents while your son makes his way through adolescence.

Preteens and Parenting

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My son just turned 11, and I am having some trouble finding ways to be together with him.

This past year, he has been so excited about his friends and his video games, and just doesn’t want to do the things we used to do. I can’t get him interested in board games, and he won’t go in the yard and throw a ball around anymore.

I offered to take him to the movies, but he really wasn’t too keen on it. He is a great kid, responsible, good student and otherwise seems pretty happy.

How do I get back the closeness we had?

Signed,

Mama Bear

Dear Mama Bear:

What seems like a problem to you is probably a sign that you have done everything right with your son. At around 10 years old, we start to hear the drumbeat of adolescence.

Children become less tied to their parents and more interested in the world and their friends. Having parents becomes a bit of an embarrassment to some of them.

It’s not unusual, for example, that children will ask their parents to duck down when they drop them off at school, or even drop them off a block away. They love their parents as much as before, but they are becoming increasingly driven to individuate and separate from them. This is a bittersweet moment for many parents. On the one hand, they are proud and excited to see their “baby” starting to grow up. On the other hand, they often feel the sadness of letting go of the sweetness of childhood.

When children are approaching adolescence, there is a tightrope that we walk as parents. We don’t want to let go too much, too soon, nor do we want to smother our children and prevent them from becoming more independent.

In today’s culture, I see parents frequently making the mistake of backing out of their children’s lives too much and too soon. While the nature of your relationship with your son will change, it is important to realize he is still not an adult.

One of your challenges now is to find ways to remain involved in your son’s life without holding on too tightly. For example, you might find time to play some of those video games with your son since they are such a big hobby for him.

Follow his interests rather than trying to get him to return to interests from his earlier years. Be sensitive to the fact that he might not want to be seen with you at the movies. It might work out better, for example, to pop popcorn and watch a funny TV show or rent a DVD. Turn off the phone so you won’t be interrupted when you have this type of family time.

At this age, and throughout his teen years, it remains very important to have family dinners as often as possible. Keep the conversation light and talk about topics that are interesting to your son. Show sincere interest in his interests and activities. Many families also wisely set aside family time each week. They find something fun to do with their kids even if it only lasts a couple of hours.

Even though your son is pushing hard for independence, he still needs your affection.

If he will not snuggle with you anymore, maybe he will accept a foot rub or a quick hug. Continue to praise him for his good choices, and make sure you tell him every day that you love him.

As he gets closer to becoming a teen, resist the urge to loosen up rules. You still need to set limits on things like bedtime, homework, privileges and even choice of friends. The better your relationship with your son, the more likely he will not buck these limits too hard.

Do not argue with him about the rules. Listen to his feelings, and then set the limit. If he wants to argue about it after he has aired his opinion, walk away so that you do not get into a fight about that.

Only brothers and sisters argue. Parents do not argue with their children.

Finally, be sure you are also taking care of your marriage. Teens and Pre-teens can try the patience of a saint. If your marriage is strong, your teen will function better, and you will have a built-in support system. Your marriage can also satisfy the closeness that is no longer part of your relationship with your son. It would not be healthy for your son, for you to look toward him for closeness.

It won’t be long before your baby is off to college. Eight years goes by in the blink of an eye. Keep that marriage strong. You and your husband will still have each other after that baby leaves the nest.