Dear Dr. Rain:
My 85-year old-grandmother is deathly ill, and I think she will die soon.
Our 8-year-old daughter met her during the summer when we visited our family in North Carolina. She took to her and played some Go Fish cards with her. Sometimes she brings her up when we are playing cards together.
I don’t know what to say to her, what with her being so sick. And, the doctors think she will pass away in a few weeks. I don’t know how to explain that either.
I wasn’t too close to my grandmother, but still it hurts.
Signed,
Grieving
Dear Grieving:
Death is a subject that makes many of us uncomfortable.
Some people never talk about it at all, and, at the other extreme, some people are so terrified that they are unable to enjoy their life. Children have an incomplete understanding of death. At age 8, many children still might wonder if death is reversible, although most realize it is final.
Children often think they might be the first human to live forever. They are also beginning to worry about their parents’ mortality, by your daughter’s age.
In some cultures, death is an ever-present event. In America, we are often shielded from aspects of death. In America, not many children are faced with a catastrophic loss of a sibling or a parent. This leaves us unpracticed in understanding death and knowing what to teach our children.
First, try to separate out your own grief from your child’s experience of grief. While you may grieve deeply for your grandmother, your daughter might have a different emotional experience. She may not mourn deeply, depending upon the nature of her feelings for this grandmother. Be sure you do not project your own feelings upon your daughter so that you do not confuse her about how she indeed feels.
This is a good time to mention to your daughter that Grandma is very sick. Let her know that Grandma is very old. Surely she noticed this in her visit. Let her know that the doctors are working hard to keep her alive, but that she may not be able to live much longer. You might also mention that her illness is not catching, so that she does not worry that she, too (or you, too) will become deathly ill.
Your daughter may have many questions and concerns after your conversation. Some of them might be disguised. For example, she might suddenly begin to worry about the death of a bug or a pet. You can help her articulate her underlying fear about her grandmother.
After your grandmother passes away, you must tell your daughter the truth that Grandma died. If you shield her from this, she will probably over hear it or deduce it based upon what she sees and hears. By your not mentioning it, she may develop an explanation far scarier than what truly happened. Also, if you do not tell her, she will come away with the idea that death is something not to be spoken about or shared with loved ones. She may then think it is unacceptable for her to talk to you about her own fears about death.
This is a time for you to also clarify for yourself what you believe spiritually about death. If you have religious beliefs, this is a time to transmit those beliefs to your daughter. For example, if you think Grandma is in Heaven, let her know that. An 8-year-old can understand that Grandma’s spirit lives on even after her body dies.
Children often use denial as a way to protect themselves from things that are too overwhelming to face all at once. If your daughter acts unfazed, do not assume she is cold hearted. This may be her way to slowly get used to the loss of grandma, and the idea that we all will one day die.
If your daughter seems receptive, you can also look at some pictures of Grandma and tell some nice stories of good memories of Grandma.
Some children want to make a memory book about a loved one. They paste pictures of their loved one and cut out magazine pictures to depict their life, their hobbies and interests, and their importance to the family.
