Dear Dr. Rain:
I have two girls, ages 3 and 5 years old. My oldest started kindergarten. My 3-year-old misses her very much. They were playmates, being so close in age. She mopes around the house, is more cranky and just is out of sorts.
Is this normal? I miss my oldest, too, but I don’t think I show it.
Signed,
School Blues
Dear School Blues,
It is so wonderful when siblings can be playmates. Not only does it promote social skills and provide built-in entertainment for them, but it lays the foundation for a lifelong friendship.
Another benefit is that it can allow the parents to take care of things around the house while the children are having fun with each other. When the first-born enters kindergarten, especially if there had been no preschool experience, it can be experienced as a loss for the parent as well as the siblings. It is a significant adjustment for all of the family.
Even your 5-year-old is adjusting to separating from the family and dealing with the rough and tumble of school. Expect that she will come home tired and cranky. This will further stress you as you attempt to manage a cranky 5-year-old, and it will also be tough on the 3-year-old. When she comes home from school, she may even be more short tempered with her sister. She may feel she is too “babyish” for a while until she adapts to her new role of being a kindergarten student. This will further be experienced as a rejection by the 3-year-old.
As with so many family changes, first take stock of your own emotional reactions and how you are dealing with them. For example, are you burying yourself in housework more as a way of dealing with this mini-loss? Are you more short-tempered with your 3-year-old? Even 3-year-olds will notice these changes in their parent and react accordingly. It is possible that your youngest is not only reacting to the loss of her sister, but also to changes in your mood and behavior.
This is a terrific opportunity for you to get to know your 3-year-old better. Without her sister along, you may find your time with the youngest particularly sweet. Savor the next two years until she too enters kindergarten. Plan some special time with the 3-year-old every day to get you both through the first two weeks of this new adjustment.
For example, take a trip to the park, to the local swimming pool, or even a “nature walk” around the neighborhood for just the two of you. Watch her favorite video with her, set up a tea party in the dining area, and initiate other play activities for the two of you every day. This will not only be beneficial to you both emotionally, but it can help to distract her from the intensity of her feelings as she gradually adjusts to losing her sister to kindergarten.
You do not mention if you and your daughter are socially isolated. If not, this is a good time to schedule a weekly (or more frequently) play date with another mother and preschooler. This can expand your daughter’s social horizons so she does not feel so dependent upon her sister for social stimulation. If you are isolated, look into a local preschool program. At her age, two or three mornings per week of preschool can be a good experience not only for the child but for the mother who needs a break from parenting. She may welcome school with open arms. If she is not ready for preschool yet, wait a few months and then try again.
In short, her reaction is “normal” as is your own sadness about the entry of your 5-year-old into kindergarten. There are many of these mini-losses throughout childhood and adolescence. They are bittersweet in that we are proud our kids are taking another step toward independence, and yet, we feel sadness about the mini-loss of them.
