Dear Dr. Rain:
My daughter and I argue constantly. She is 9 years old, and I swear she will be an attorney when she grows up. She argues about little things and big things, too. It goes back and forth until we are shouting. How do I keep her from arguing so much?
Signed,
Worn Out
Dear Worn Out:
When we are lucky, our children are blessed with a terrific brain that allows them to find ways to verbally battle with their parents. They can effectively present their case repeatedly, and dredge up new verbal strategies. Because of their youthfulness, they can easily outlast their parent in any argument.
Sometimes this excessive arguing results in a weary parent caving in, thus increasing the likelihood of their child will argue again on a future issue. It is very important that you refrain from arguing with your daughter. Mothers and children do not argue with each other: only sisters and brothers do so. When you argue with her, you are undercutting your authority as you are reducing yourself to the level of a peer.
Your decisions are not open to argument. As soon as you argue back, you are signalling to your daughter that this issue is arguable and that your decision has a chance of changing. This only encourages more arguing. When you argue back, an underlying message is that your daughter has a chance to change your mind. (After all, if there was no chance, you would not be arguing.)
If there is even a slight chance of changing your mind, that is good enough odds for your energetic child. She will definitely give it her best shot with a new argument. This “playing the odds” phenomenon reminds me of a very funny scene from Dumb and Dumber. The goofball guy (Jim Carrey) asks the gorgeous girl, “What are the chances that a girl like you would go out with a guy like me?” She responds, “One in a million,” to which the guy says, “So, You’re saying I got a chance!”
It’s the same with kids: if there is a one in a million chance they think they can change your mind, those seem like pretty good odds to them. Because we are raising children who will be part of the American society as adults, it is helpful to teach children how to question authority appropriately, To this end, when you say “No,” it is fine to allow your child one chance to change your mind. (After all, she might remind you of something you had forgotten about). However, if you do not change your mind, then simply walk away — do not argue back at all if your daughter comes at you a second time with an argument. Walk away. Over a couple of weeks, your child will no longer be rewarded for arguing, and the arguing should decrease substantially.
Another fun way to change this behavior, in addition to not arguing back, is to reward her when she “Takes no for an answer.” When she stops arguing after her one chance, reward her immediately with something small such as a stick of gum, a dime, a sticker etc. If she wants a bigger ticket item, give her a sticker and tell her how many stickers she needs to earn to trade in for the bigger ticket item.
Consistency is very important. Do these two methods for two weeks, and I bet you will find that the problem is much improved.
